


In the Present, From the Past

by Hyperionova



Category: EXO (Band), KaiHun - Fandom, Sekai - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:38:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6112496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyperionova/pseuds/Hyperionova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story might or might not be developed into a proper chaptered fanfic in the future. This story is inspired on the case study of Clive Wearing who suffered from both anterograde and retrograde amnesia. This story was plotted and written within 3 hours. Simply written to release stress.</p>
    </blockquote>





	In the Present, From the Past

**Author's Note:**

> This story might or might not be developed into a proper chaptered fanfic in the future. This story is inspired on the case study of Clive Wearing who suffered from both anterograde and retrograde amnesia. This story was plotted and written within 3 hours. Simply written to release stress.

Everything had changed. Things change, don’t they? People change. People leave. People go away. They go away in hopes of coming back one day to see the place they left with eyes full of new colours. Some goodbyes were worth the pain. Some weren’t. Those were painfully grievous.  They were goodbyes that ended relationships, goodbyes that shoved love into darkness. It was not only a time of goodbyes. It was also a time of heartbreaks. He had learnt to conceal his love, to hide it in the deepest, darkest corner of his heart. But it always remained. It will always remain.

Changes. Choices. Chances. They can be incredible. They can be regrettable. And some were just incredibly regrettable. Was it worth it? Was leaving worth it? The questions he never wanted answers to, but never abated repeating them over and over. He loved once. He could not love again. He tried. He failed. The answers were right before his eyes and he ignored them. Because he knew it would be far too painful and the guilt will eat him alive.

The elaborate hotel room was eerily quiet. Its walls listening to every silent thought he had. The bed as neat as new pin. He had slept on it. But it had been some while since he had had a satisfying sleep. Peaceful sleep, sure. Undisturbed slumber, no problem. But not once had he gone to bed with a light heart and a free mind in all those years. He was back home. Almost home. He had returned with eyes full of new colours. He had left as a boy and now he had returned as a man. As a man who had climbed up the social ladder. The plastic smile he plastered on his face every day was a façade that masked the misery and loneliness he suffered every waking moment. Every man had his own secret sorrow, which would kill him little by little until one day he was too numb to perceive the sorrow anymore. He no longer roamed the world like a careless boy in so much love. He had grown to learn that true love hurt. That true love prevailed even when it could no longer be nurtured. He learned that love did not always mean enduring gaiety. But love will win in the end against all odds. The problem, however, was the fact that he had allowed himself fall in love with the wrong person.

He had changed. He had made a choice. He had his chance once. And he decided to not to take it. Standing before the full-length mirror, Kai examined himself. Top to toe. Some five years back, he never would have pegged himself for an office guy. But here he was. More successful in the field than most men his age. When his parents divorced, he took an oath to never see his irresponsible father—a cheating husband, a carefree father, a cold man, a prominent businessman. But he ended up defying his own vow when he agreed to work at his father’s company. He left his mother who eventually found a partner for herself. Not once had he returned after leaving. Not for Christmases or New Years or birthdays. He had begun to pour his entire focus into work to ensure that he would no longer be that lovesick, reckless and imprudent rowdy from college. He was less reckless and imprudent now. Staring into his own reflection in the mirror, he wished he could go back to that one moment of his life and fall out of love. The love that haunted him ceaselessly. The love that will never be reciprocated. His fist tightened around the necktie before he gave in and let the numbness strike him again. As the tie fell to the floor, he stepped away from the mirror. He was not feeling agitated. No. He was simply numb.

“Mr Kim?” the door was quietly unlatched before Kai heard the retiring call. “Are we ready to go?”

He briefly closed his eyes and drew in a steady breath. When he opened them again, the chauffeur looked to him with palpable scepticism. “Yes,” he muttered and pulled on the leather jacket over his white shirt. “We won’t be going to my mother’s place tonight.”

“Sir?” the chauffeur’s eyes widened as if he were asked to commit a crime.

“I want to visit a friend since we’re in town.” He hoped the chauffeur would not ask for an explanation because he was surely going to make a callous reply.

“All right, sir. I’ll get the car.” With a curt bow of his head, the well-aged man stormed out of the room. Heaving a sigh, he gave himself one last once-over in the mirror. It was a moment he had always dreamt of. But it was also a moment he had never gathered the courage to meet prior to this night. He had come back. He did not come back for anyone who remembered him. He had returned for the one that would never remember him.

 

 

 

The derelict apartment building still stood tall, stubborn to die. Dirt and dust clung to the weary walls. Grey caressed those walls. Black whispered its gloominess to the ruined stairs. Kai ascended them with clenched fists at his side and a set of grinding teeth. He can only hope that the boy, now man he hungrily loved still remained in this poor apartment building. His new colourful eyes turned black and grey, turned monochromatic, bringing so many old memories back. He had climbed up these stairs numerous times to see the boy of his dreams. He had pinned the boy against these very ruined walls and stolen a kiss or two. After all those years, he should have moved on. He should have moved on from the love that can never be fulfilled. He could not. He had tried. Young love had swelled into an agonizing pain, which he so desperately wanted to escape but couldn’t.

He was not surprised to find out that this old building still stood, preening on its walls that were laced by many generations. He was not even allowed to this part of the city. The dark, poverty-stricken, helpless part of the city. His heart finally began to hammer against his chest when he came to a standstill at the top of the staircase. He nervously looked to his left and took in the flickering light of the hallway. He had returned as a man who was constructing a stable future for himself. To see a man who lived in the present.

His palm was soft and moist with sweat as he raised his fist to knock on the door. He flinched when the door sprung open and a bearded man appeared with an annoyed expression etched on his face. “What do you want?”

Blinking his eyes, Kai cleared his throat. “Sorry to bother, but does Sehun live here?” he really hoped he did not.

“No. He and his brother moved. Rented this place to me.” He leaned against the doorframe, glowering at Kai.

“Do you know to where?”

“Who are you?”

“I’m a… friend. Do you know where they live now?”

The bearded man arched a brow. “Really?” he scoffed.

“Look,” he quickly pulled his wallet out and drew out some bills. “I need to find them. So if you can help.” As soon as he held the cash out, the man accepted it at once.

“Yeah. Hold on,” he walked away before returning with a piece of paper between his fingers. “This the address.”

Snatching the paper, Kai quickly probed it. “Thank you very much.” Jaw locked, he hurried down the stairs, fishing his phone out of his pocket. He did not come all the way here to be let down like this. If this was the universe’s way of telling him to let go, he was not going to buy it. There should be a proper closure for him to move on.

“Hey, Eric,” he rasped, bolting out of the building and found the chauffeur puffing out clouds of smoke before he instantly tossed the cigarette away when he caught the sight of Kai. “Do you know where this address is?” he held the paper out and chauffeur eyeballed it.

“Yes. It’s near the outskirts of the city.”

“Great. Take me there.” He jerked his head to the car before jumping in. When the chauffeur was in his seat, he gazed to the rear-view mirror and gave Kai a sidelong glance, pulling the car to the road.

“Your father said that you will be only visiting your mother.” said the chauffeur.

“Well, I’m not a kid for my father to supervise me. Just go where I ask you to go, please.”

The sprawl of suburbia on the outskirts of the city was a pleasant touch to the great elements of the city he had grown up in, the city he was trying so hard to forget. “Sir, it’s quite late,” the chauffeur said a calm tone, pulling up before a house. It was a decent house. Much, much more decent than the dump Sehun used to live in after his parents had abandoned him and his brother who took multiple shifts to support his brother’s education. Kai fell for Sehun the minute the clueless boy had stepped into the classroom. He never knew then that he would fall this hard. “Maybe we should not—”

“Eric, do you think we drove all the way here to just go back?” Kai snapped, unlatching the car’s door. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” sucking in a shaky breath, he exited the sleek black car his father had loaned him. The evening sky bruised with purple and black splotches roofed him, housing scintillating stars as he crossed the porch. He needn’t wonder how they moved to a proper house. Sehun’s brother must have accepted financial aid even if he had once rudely refused to accept any help from a snob like Kai who rolled in money. That was how he was perceived by people like Sehun and his brother. But Sehun grew to see Kai for the person he was. Sehun had understood that all the roguish façades Kai had put on was a coping mechanism when his parents’ marriage began to fall apart. Sehun had loved him, touched him, kissed him with a full heart. Kai in return valued Sehun pricelessly and treasured every moment, every kiss they shared. So what happened? What happened when Kai decided to leave him, leave this city, leave the life as he knew it behind and carry the love he harboured for Sehun along with him?

 

 

 

_The screams, the tears, the pain._

_“Sehun, I swear to God! Stop!” Sehun’s arrogant chuckles and humble panting resonated as he leapt up the stairs. “Give it back!” Kai knew no matter how loud he shouted, he was not going to get his Math test papers unless he caught Sehun._

_“I can’t believe you refused to tell me and the others about your scores!” Sehun squawked, amused as he ran up the stairs. Kai felt his calves strain themselves as he hopped up the steps at an attempt to catch up to Sehun who was way faster in almost everything than Kai._

_“Sehun!”_

_Letting out a wild scoff, Sehun reached the top of the stairs and shoved the rooftop door open before bursting out to the rooftop. Kai felt a gush of cold night air blow on his face and flex his cheeks as he hurried after his boyfriend. Sehun started to unfold the papers with a savage grin etched on his lips which quickly broadened. “Oh my God!”_

_“Give it back!” Kai grappled his arms around Sehun’s waist before the boy could run away. Sehun exploded into a roaring laughter and surrendered when Kai snatched his papers back. “You’re unbelievable, Oh Sehun!”_

_“You failed! Oh my goodness. Kai, you’re a high school senior and you scored a 3 for your Math. What, you’re planning to work at a fast food restaurant for the rest of your life?” he broke free from Kai’s grip and spun around to face Kai with a toothy smile. “Take it from an experienced soul. Working at a fast food restaurant is not fun.” He sniggered._

_“Well, unlike this experienced soul, I have rich parents who can pay for my college. So I don’t really care—” he stopped himself when he realized what he was blurting out. Sehun’s smile faltered as he averted his gaze, looking to the black, starless night. “Hey, I’m sorry. I was just kidding.”_

_“No, I know,” Sehun flashed a faint smile and dragged his feet to the edge of the rooftop. He leaned over the edge and settled his elbows on it. Sighing, Kai took his side. The city glimmered and gloated beneath them. “I’d give anything to leave this place.”_

_A smile tugged the corners of Kai’s lips. He rolled his test papers and shoved it into his back pocket before curling an arm around Sehun’s waist. “You will leave this place. With me.”_

_Sehun glanced to him with hope sheening his eyes. “If only it were that easy.”_

_“It is,” Kai pulled him close and brushed his lips against Sehun’s forehead. “I love you.”_

_“I can’t leave my brother, Kai,” he sighed. “As much as I want to be with you… I just can’t abandon him.”_

_“Your brother hates me.”_

_“He doesn’t hate you.”_

_“He does. Don’t you see the way he glares at me every time I come over?”_

_“That’s only because he thinks you’re too good to be true.”_

_That earned Sehun a frown. Kai felt his heart clench. “Sehun… I am true. Just because I’m well-off, it doesn’t mean I’m a snob. I’m capable of loving, too.”_

_“I know,” Sehun grinned, but his face wilted just as fast. “Sometimes… I can’t believe you’re real. I don’t deserve you.”_

_Kai tightened his arms around Sehun and held him close until their chests were pressed together. “Promise me you’ll never stop loving me and I’ll promise you I’ll never leave.”_

_“Even if I died, I won’t stop loving you, Kai.”_

_“And you call me cheesy,” Kai scoffed and earned himself a glare and a slap on the cheek. “Sorry,” Sehun pulled away and gasped in a long breath. His face began to pale. “Are you okay?”_

_Shaking his head, Sehun rubbed his eyes. “I think I’m going to have the flu.”_

_“Shit. That means no kissing for days!”_

_Rolling his eyes, Sehun draped his arms around Kai’s neck and caressed Kai’s cheek with his lips. The soft, tender lips touched the corner of Kai’s lips and kissed along his jawline. “I love you.”_

_“Keep loving me.”_

That promise, Kai kept. The day Sehun stopped loving him, Kai left him. The pain was unbearable. The pain of seeing or holding Sehun when Sehun did not know who he was killed a part of him. And the tormenting agony haunted him to this date. He stopped on the doorstep and vacantly stared at the white door.

 

 

 

_The screams, the tears, the pain._

_“Sehun,” the name barely escaped Kai’s lips. The tip of his tongue was numb and his heart had gone cold. “Sehun,” he called again when Sehun continued to peer out the window of his shoebox room with his arms crossed over his chest. “Say something.” Kai whispered, fidgeting with his own fingers._

_“You’re going to college. What do you want me to say, Kai? I’m happy you’re planning a future for yourself.” His tone was harsh, but it hinted aggressive melancholy._

_“It’s just for three years, Sehun. I’ll be back before you even realize I’m gone. Besides, I’ll visit.” He wasn’t sure if he were convincing Sehun or himself._

_Sehun finally turned around and faced Kai with bloodshot eyes. “Really? You’re going abroad, Kai. You’re telling me you’ll visit? What a load of bullshit…”_

_“I understand if you’re mad—”_

_“I’m not mad, Kai! I’m sad.” His voice began to break as tears welled up in his eyes. His cheeks were hollower these days. He might have lost more weight in the past couple of weeks and Kai was almost exhausted of begging Sehun to eat well. He took a step forward but stopped. “Do you know how things could change?”_

_“Nothing’s going to change,” Kai crossed the distance between them with a couple of feet and cupped the sides of Sehun’s face. “I love you, Sehun. I won’t go if it weren’t for my mother. I really don’t want to rely on my father anymore. Without college and a degree… you know the drill.”_

_“I do, but,” he murmured, gazing into Kai’s eyes. “I want you to go. I… I just don’t know what I’ll do without you.”_

_“Come with me, then.”_

_“We already talked about this. I can’t leave my brother,” He snaked his arms around Kai’s body. They stood in silence for a long moment, drowning into each other’s gaze. “Promise me you’ll come back.”_

_Kai let his lips answer that question. Sehun clenched his eyes as his hands clung onto Kai’s shirt at the back. He brushed their lips together and pulled back a little to examine Sehun’s face. His cheeks were painted red and Kai knew Sehun was refusing to open his eyes to prevent the tears from spilling. Before he leaned back in, Sehun took him aback with a question Kai never anticipated._

_“Can you… make love to me tonight?”_

With a tight chest, Kai rang the doorbell. Whatever that was about to happen was out of his hands. He could either break down or he could get a grip and let all of his feelings melt right here and now. _Leave them all here. Don’t fall again._

The door opened. A pair of curious eyes ballooned as a set of lips parted. “Kai?” Sehun’s brother rasped with cocked eyebrows.

“Hi.” Kai cleared his burning throat and raised a hand to rub the back of his neck.

“What are you… oh my God. What are you doing here?” Kai couldn’t read the man’s face. He looked neither surprised nor appalled, but either shocked or disgusted.

“You know the answer to that, don’t you?” Kai retorted.

Sehun’s brother stood there, tight-lipped for a moment as his eyes narrowed. Then he let out a sigh. “Come inside.”

 

 

 

_The screams, the tears, the pain._

_All that Kai heard was a blend of words that made no sense to him. Then he heard the words, ‘brain infection’, ‘coma’, and ‘amnesia’. Sehun survived the illness. He was strong. He was going to be fine. Kai swallowed the sob that began to rise in his throat when Sehun’s brother returned to the waiting room with a sullen face. He stopped in his tracks as his fierce and tired eyes landed on Kai. “Get out.” He snapped._

_“What?”_

_“You heard me the first time. Get out. Sehun doesn’t need you right now.”_

_“Don’t tell me what Sehun needs. What the hell? You should have called! You should have contacted me when Sehun…” he trailed off, unable to complete the sentence. “I had to hear from old classmates that he was ill! That he just collapsed! A fucking week ago!” Not once had Sehun told Kai about his state when they talked on the phone every week. Not once._

_“Okay, what would you have done? He could possibly die! And even if he doesn’t, the doctors say that he’s just as good as dead!” The man had tears glossing his eyes as he yelled. “Leave.”_

The sound of Kai screaming and crying out Sehun’s name in the hospital still echoed in his head. Every single day. “Sit down.”

Kai stood nevertheless. Sehun’s brother pinned him with an empathetic look. “Where… is he?”

He didn’t reply immediately. He lowered his eyes to the floor. When he raised his head, he exhaled exasperatedly with a hard expression and looked up the staircase. “Sehun!” he called and Kai felt his heart skip a beat.

 

 

 

_He felt Sehun throb around him, clutching him so hard that Kai had to hold himself back from coming. The tear that trickled down the corner of Sehun’s eye soaked a spot of the pillow. Kai pressed his lips onto the back of Sehun’s shoulder, and pulled out a little before thrusting in deeper. Sehun buried his face into the pillow and let out a muffled moan when Kai’s hipbones slammed into his butt. “Kai…” he exhaled in the darkness as Kai latched a hand onto Sehun’s hip. He wanted to be as gentle as possible. He wanted Sehun to bloom for him. And he did. Beautifully. Kai pressed his chest to Sehun’s back and rocked his hips to thrust into him. He was warm and soft and sensitive around Kai’s hardness._

_“I love you,” Kai panted when Sehun raised his head and turned it halfway around. “I love you.” he breathed out against Sehun’s lips before kissing them._

 

 

 

His breath abandoned him. His heart stopped beating for a second and his body wanted to shut down. Kai choked on his own breath when Sehun had climbed down the stairs. He hadn’t changed. He looked exactly how he looked in the last memory Kai had of him. “Sehun.” he exhaled breathlessly. Sehun’s full lips were pursed and he looked confused for a moment. He then turned to his brother and instantly, his face lit up like Christmas. Yelping, he jumped off the last step and ran into his brother’s arms.

“Oh my God, you’re here!” he chimed excitedly, hugging his brother.

“Yes, yes,” his brother smiled a fake smile, patting Sehun’s back before pulling back from the embrace. “Look who’s here.” He pointed a finger to Kai and Sehun followed its direction.

“Who is this?” he asked, blinking his eyes blankly. The exact question Sehun asked Kai years ago when he woke up.

“Sehun,” his brother started calmly, rubbing Sehun’s back. “This is Kai. You two used to be friends.”

“We used to be friends.” Sehun repeated, staring at Kai.

“Yes. You were both dating for a while.”

“We were dating.” It wasn’t a question. Kai recognized the unaffected reaction. The exact reaction Sehun had exhibited years ago before Kai was forcefully brought away by his mother and her then boyfriend for creating a ruckus at the hospital. That day, Kai’s screams were etched on the walls of the hospital. Anterograde and retrograde amnesia. Sehun lived in the present with no past to look back to and no future to build. He was stuck in the present and he was unaware of it.

Blinking his eyes rapidly, Sehun turned to face his brother. “Look who’s here!” he cried and pounced onto his brother again. This time, his brother shot Kai a melancholic look as he patted Sehun’s back.

“Sehun, Kai is here.” His brother said, withdrawing himself from Sehun’s hug.

Sehun spun around and greeted Kai with a brief smile. “Kai?”

“He’s your friend from high school.”

“Oh, is he?”

“Yes.”

“What?” he cocked his head and blinked. He remembered his brother. Some of his memories remained intact. Kai wasn’t one of them.

“It’s Kai. Do you know who he is?”

Sehun faced Kai again with confusion. “Who is he?”

His brother did not bother to answer as he passed Kai a critical look. “I think it’s best that you leave, Kai.”

“Sehun.” Kai uttered under his breath and Sehun glanced to him with arched brows.

“Who is this?”

“He can’t remember anything for more than 30 seconds,” Sehun’s brother said. “He forgets the sentence right after saying it.”

“Yes, I know,” The words rolled off Kai’s tongue soullessly. He kept his eyes on Sehun who looked like he was lost in another dimension. “You didn’t let me see him after that day. Can I… have some time alone with him?”

“Kai.” The man frowned.

“Please,” His heart pounded in his chest uncontrollably. He wanted to reach out and hold Sehun’s hand. He wanted to feel Sehun’s warmth again. “Please.”

Sighing, he left the living room. Sehun turned around and was surprised to see his brother walking away. “Hey!”

“Sehun,” Kai interrupted and Sehun’s attention was averted to him. “I came to say goodbye. Properly this time.”

“Who are you?” he scowled.

Kai’s heart sank to his heart. So many years spent yearning and longing for something that he could not have. “Goodbye, Sehun.”

“Goodbye?” he arched an eyebrow.

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye?”  
“I know you don’t remember. But we made a promise to each other once. I won’t leave you for as long as you love me. I... left.”

Sehun took a step forward with slightly parted lips. Kai swallowed. “Did I… stop loving you?”

That struck Kai dumb. He gaped at Sehun. “Sehun…”

His face changed out of the sudden. “I’m sorry, but who are you?” he then started to look around him. “Where… am I? What is this place?”

Kai was unable to take his glistening eyes off Sehun for a minute. Then a depressing smile took form on his lips. He stepped forward. “I loved you. I love you. And I will always love you.” the whispers caught Sehun’s attention for a very short moment. Kai seized that moment and grabbed the sides of Sehun’s head before smashing their lips together. He kissed him with every ounce of energy he had left as a bead of tear rolled down his cheek. He noticed Sehun close his eyes when he gently kissed his lower lip. Kai pulled back with just a touch of the tip of his tongue along Sehun’s lip. When Sehun’s eyes fluttered open, he seemed taken aback. Kai dropped his hands from his face.

“Who are… you?”

Pursing his smiling lips, Kai wiped the tear from his cheek and kissed Sehun’s forehead. A proper closure. “Goodbye, Sehun.”

 


End file.
